Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was