Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.