Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
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Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I’m too immature for adultery.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Basketball games are very squeaky.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
OH. COME. ON.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played