2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.