👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
“Sheer Arrogance”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
this country is so goddamn polarized
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Me trying to reach for my goals
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.