Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Teach your children to beatbox
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps