Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
This took me a second..
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.