And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.