the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
when you order from DoorDastardly
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?