[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*