Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic