It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
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*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.