me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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tinder is all about the long game
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’