GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
These work great until they don’t.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”