My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
What personal space?
My dog
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon