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Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Where is your GOD now????
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no