Every damn time
You Might Also Like
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
work smarter, not harder
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I falcon love using swear birds
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
How wrong was this guy?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”