Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
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My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Wait a minute…
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle