Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Kids, do not try this at home!
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”