The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
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will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put