I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
HOW DARE YOU