Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
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Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*