Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
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I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete