before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
i like to flex on them by shrugging