monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
HERE’S MARKY