Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco