[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay