No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Florida man
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?