BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
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What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
They’re called werewolves.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…