*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
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I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
3% human
97% stress
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up