The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
My beach vacation Google searches
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake