Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
there has never been a better use of this meme
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*