I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.