It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”