microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.