genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas