*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
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My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one