Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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Always the camel, never the toe.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this