Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
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Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs