me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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Yup.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.