Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
You Might Also Like
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.