Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
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Some of y’all tomorrow …
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.