Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before