Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.