I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
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[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.