Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Dietest Coke
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
No, YOUR illiterate.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.