*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
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Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Thoughts
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.