Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
you gotta be faster
Would you wear it?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing