I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”