I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.